Gone with the Wimp
by The-Shelob-and-natzlin
Summary: The Narnia crazy Rafaela (male) meets princess Legolas (also male) at Minas Tirith (well in a few chps anyway). Parody, Humor, chapter 2 is now up. Please R
1. Prolouge

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"Gone with the Wimp" or the "Story of Rafaela, Legolas and the Hobbits of Mordor"

-By The_Shelob and natzlin (yodas_queen@hotmail.com miazilla@hotmail.com)

A/N: Shelob: This is a parody on Tolkiens characters. Thus it's NOT to be taken seriously. We have also included some major Legolas mocking, so if you are a Lego Lover and easily offended, don't read this. That was the important things, right Natz? 

Natzlin: Pretty much. But _maybe_ we should warn people that the story contains drug abuse, salshyness, silliness, OOCness…

Shelob: You like the ness words, huh?

Natzlin: That's not the point. So anyway if you feel like flaming us go ahead. We'll send our cat to hunt you down and kill you. Also remember, reviewing earns virtual cookies ^_~

Disclaimer: We are just playing with Tolkiens characters, we don't make any money and we promise to give them back relatively unharmed. We do own our Marty Stue named Rafaela Foxblade, and any attempt to steal him will be punished ^_~

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Smoke rises from Minas Tirith. The hour grows late, and Gandalf the Gay rides to Ecthelion seeking the rave party.

Men, Elves, Hobbits and Orcs were enjoying themselves with Athelas and Lembas. Elfhead was playing. Well actually they had been playing. Now Legolas, Haldir, Elrond and the others had joined the party, putting a CD player on the stage instead. Nobody really noticed the difference. 

Elrond picked up a lembas and examined it closely, with a phoney smile on his lips.

-Hey! Has anyone else noticed that these got smiley faces on them!?

-They do? Arwen said, looking innocent.

Galadriel smiled knowingly and fell to a heap on the floor. The others pushed her of the dance floor and continued raving.

A breeze of fresh air blew through the room. A ray of sunlight could be seen through the smoke and you could hear the birds singing outside. Gandalf the Gay appeared in the doorway. Everybody hid their faces and tried not to breathe.

-Close the bloody door! We are trying to get stoned! Aragorn shouted.

-It's eleven AM!

-What day? asked Eowyn taking puff from the joint Celeborn had passed her minutes earlier. 

Gandalf closed the door and walked over to princess Legolas.

-Oh Leggsie, it has been so long! Gandalf exclaimed.

Legolas hugged him, kissed him on both cheeks and said:

-Take some Athelas, it's really good!

A giggling Arwen came up to them, smiling oddly at Legolas. Gandalf rolled his eyes and sighed.

_Oh my, not her again!

He walked away accepting a lembas from a random orc. He soon felt really happy.

Arwen and Legolas were still standing at the same spot. They were both really stoned. We all know how that'll end…. Or do we?

Arwen put her arms around the princess' waist. She batted her eyelashes fanatically at Legolas who said:

-Are you flirting with me?

-Well duh!! she answered.

-Didn't you marry Aragorn a few hours ago? He stopped to think. Or was it a few days ago… Or weeks, or… How long has this party been going on?

Arwen nodded at the corner were Aragorn was having a very intimate 'conversation' with the Lady Eowyn. A conversation including a lot of body language.

-Oh. I see. said Legolas. But I don't mess around with common mortal people like you. I'm a freaking Elven Prince. Ess.

Everybody that was contiouse stopped with what they were currently doing and turned to watch. Arwen turned read and you could see puffs of smoke coming from her ears. She slapped Legolas twice and stormed away. The entire audience applauded and yelled "Bitchmove! Go Arwen".

On her way through the room Arwen tripped and fell on Galadriel, who was still smiling.

-Oh you stupid psycho witch! Arwen snapped. She tried to rise but the entire room seemed to be spinning and she had to sit down again. 

A hand appeared. It was Faramir; at least Arwen thought so. She took the hand and got up on her feet. Her legs felt like jelly but she smiled at her saviour. It was Faramir, Arwen was sure of it now, he wore a "I've been at the forbidden pool" T-shirt. He smiled a very smile, raised one eyebrow and started to lead her away from the partyroom. She giggled as she followed him.

Legolas stood alone on the floor, holding his hand to his burning cheek. He had tears in his eyes to. Poor ill Legsie, Arwen hurt him badly. He sat down on the floor, smoking some pipeweed in an attempt to feel better. 

He saw Elrond, Celeborn and Gandalf giggling leave the room, taking a fair amount of lembas with them.

All over the floor Orcs, Humans, Hobbits and Elves were lying, stoned and sleeping. 

One person was still dancing. Haldir didn't seem bothered by the fact that the music had stopped an hour ago.

Legolas was feeling miserable. Actually he was on account of him being extremely stoned but for plot reasons he needs to feel a bit blue. Legolas stood up and walked over to Aragorn and Eowyn. He taped Aragorn on his shoulder. Aragorn turned to him and said:

-What? in a very angry tone.

-I'm leaving now… All alone, with no company, by my self, very much alo…

-Ok! I get it! Aragorn sighed.

-Go away NOW! Eowyn said and started to kiss Aragorns neck.

Legolas walked to the door, his head bow low. He threw a last eye to the room and the he left trying to be sad, wanting to please us. He giggled the entire way home.

When princess Legolas arrived at his home there was an angry grey cat waiting for him. The cat stared at Legolas with an annoyed look on his otherwise adorable little face.

-Oh, I forgot to feed you. Here, kitty, kitty!

Legolas feed his cat and then he went to bed.


	2. Rafaela

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"Gone with the Wimp" or the "Story of Rafaela, Legolas and the Hobbits of Mordor"

-By The_Shelob and natzlin (yodas_queen@hotmail.com miazilla@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer: We are just playing with Tolkiens characters, we don't make any money and we promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Neither do we own the Narnia universe, we are merely borrowing it. Narnia belongs to C. S. Lewis. Since it was a while since I (Natz) read the books I apologise beforehand for any mistakes. We do own our Marty Stue named Rafaela Foxblade, and any attempt to steal him will be punished ^_~

Renewed shall be the Gameboy that was broken

The crownless again shall be king

Rafaela Foxblade was not happy. His Gameboy was broken. He'd accidentally knocked it to the floor while reading his favourite Narniabook. 

He didn't have a Gameboy and he couldn't be king. A couple of weeks ago someone had told him that Scotland didn't have a king. It didn't even have a crown, though they it did have a royal flag. Which meant that Scotland had had kings once. 

They had been his ancestors. He really wanted to become a king like Caspian in the Narniabooks. He turned his head to look at the books on the bookshelf. 

The motion caused his foot length platinum hair to flow over his shoulders looking like a shampoo commercial. The image was somewhat ruined by the fact that his own boring brown hair had grown a good two inches since the last time he bleached it.

His emerald eyes shone and almost turned blue with emotion when he looked at the books. Rafaelas greatest wish had always been to enter the world of Narnia. After all it had happened in the books, right? No reason to believe it couldn't happen again.

He had a slight problem. He needed a big house in the countryside and one wardrobe. He lived in a flat with his mother. They only had drawers.

-Rafaela you stupid one quarter elf! his mother shouted. Your haven't washed your hobbit foot!

Rafael sighed. Sometimes, like when people compared his hairy hobbit foot to his perfect Elven one, it didn't really pay of to be one quarter Hobbit one quarter Elf and half human. Though his singing voice was quite astonishing. He literally crushed glass while singing. Even when he tried not to.

-Come on! Rafaelas mother shouted.

-I'm coming mum! He shouted back.

Rafaela went out of his room and made his way to the bathroom. Just before entering it Rafaelas identical sister passed him, her name was Rafael. They were just the same, not only in looks but also in personality. Rafael passed Rafaela who entered the bathroom. They were so identical that they didn't need to talk, they had the same thoughts.

His mother was standing in the bathroom. Her curly brown hair looked like a bunch of wild snakes, which were trying to escape. Rafaela knew what this meant. His mother was annoyed. 

Rafaela started to wash his Hobbit foot with his Narnia shampoo and dried it with his Narnia towel.

All the time his mother stared at him angrily.

-Mum, what's the problem?

-Problem? You are the problem! His mother snapped.

Rafaela tried to look absolutely innocent but he shook his head so that his hair covered his ears. Nothing strange with that, it you haven't pierced your ears without telling your mum. Which was exactly what Rafaela had done.

-You didn't think I knew, did you? his mother said.

-Well… no? Rafaela answered slowly.

Right after replying he knew that had NOT been a good answer. Now he might as well try to eat swords it would be easier that escaping his mother's wrath. Or fight a dragon. 

No, not a dragon, his mother looked very much like on now and it wasn't a pretty sight. Her hair looked like the snakes were spiting fire and Rafaela was sure he saw sparks coming from her mouth when she said:

-Go to your room. Now.

Rafaela went back to his room feeling down. Why did he have to have mum with such a fiery temper? Why couldn't he be nice like Lucys mum?

He sat down on his bed and took "The Witch and the Lion" from his bedside table." I wish I could enter Narnia", he thought, "at least they have kings there".

He put on his Narnia Pyjamas and crawled into bed. Rafael feel asleep between his Narnia sheets with a comfortable thought. "At least my hobbit foot is clean."

A/N: Shelob: I apologise for my sisters bad spelling in the last chapter. I have read trough this one carefully.

Natzlin: That means that any mistakes in THIS chapter are your faults, right sis? *evil grin*

Shelob: *hits Natz in the head with a book***** Well, that was it for this time. In the next chapter we'll meet the Hobbits of Mordor inc.

Natzlin: *hands out cookies to reviewers* 

Shelob: **FreakOutAmbarondil**,I know our story is like Kellogg's Frosties (great). We'll consider having someone singing "Luuuthien Tinuuuviel" in our story :0) Thanks for the long review.

Natzlin: **Elanhín**, thanks for reading our story and liking it luv ^__^

Shelob: **alleajandra**, well, he isn't a girl he's just a princess. Hope you like the new chapter.

Natzlin: If you feel like flaming us go ahead. We'll send our cat to hunt you down and kill you. Also remember, reviewing earns virtual cookies ^_~

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	3. The Hobbits of Mordor Inc

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"Gone with the Wimp" or the "Story of Rafaela, Legolas and the Hobbits of Mordor"

-By The_Shelob and natzlin (yodas_queen@hotmail.com miazilla@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer: We are just playing with Tolkiens characters, we don't make any money and we promise to give them back relatively unharmed. Neither do we own the Narnia universe, we are merely borrowing it. Narnia belongs to C. S. Lewis. Since it was a while since I (Natz) read the books I apologise beforehand for any mistakes. We don't own Mordor inc. Sam does ^_~ We do own our Marty Stue named Rafaela Foxblade, and any attempt to steal him will be punished ^_~

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One Lembas to bind them

In the land of Hobbits were Mordor inc. lies

Sam woke up in the middle of the night, he was sweating. He had been dreaming, he had dreamt the he had been caught. 

Sam threw his blanket aside and walked up to the window (in his bedroom). He looked out in the cold night and saw the stars on the sky. Sam shivered, he didn't like the stars, they were snoopy.

If you had an illegal business like him, you didn't like to been seen.

Then he saw someone move down in the dark, but being 30 feet up it was hard to see who or what it was. That was the one thing he missed from his hobbit hole, being able to se what was outside your window at night. Otherwise he quite liked staying in Bara-dûr. 

Sam went back to bed, feeling sleep overwhelm him again. He feel asleep with the thought "Tomorrow, I won't have to move the lawn."

-Sam wake up! Frodo shouted

-Mastew Fwodo? Sam answered barley awake.

-Sam the KGB is here! (Kings Gondorian Bodyguards, the Police/Secret Service of Gondor)

Sam rose from the bed, put on his clothes and filled his pipe with Athelas all within a minute. Frodo who had watched the process said:

-Sam you got your underwear over you trousers.

-Oooh… he said and changed it. It took quite a while because the thought of KGB made him shake. 

-So? Were are they? How many? And have they told you why they are here?

-Not really, they are snooping around the black building close to Mount Doom.

-Fuck! That's were I keep the you-know-what.

-I don't know. What do you keep there? 

- My Vala, stupid master Frodo! Sam said angrily.

Frodo looked extremely puzzled. You could almost see a question mark over his head.

Then the question mark turned to a bulb.

-Oooh. I understand. The _you-know-what_.

Sam sighed loudly.

-Precisely, now master Frodo, let's go down and meet the KGB.

He sounded braver that he felt but Frodo didn't notice. On the other hand he didn't notice when he fell down four stairs either. "He is probably stoned" Sam thought. After walking down all the stairs of Bara-dûr Sam sighed and said:

-Why didn't that lazy Sauron guy install an elevator? he asked the world.

Frodo nodded and smiled happily. The next second he walked into a pillar, which knocked him out. "Well", Sam thought. "Now I'm rid of him." 

Sam snapped his fingers and instantly a flying Nazgûl appeared and hissed:

-Were shall I take you my Lord?

-To my warehouse. THE warehouse.

The Nazgûl helped Sam up and they flew towards THE warehouse and Mount Doom. When they arrived Sam could see a few men looking around, apparently trying to figure out how to get in. They seemed to be pretty shocked when they saw Sam dismount from the Nazgûl beast.

-Are you the owner here? One of the men asked.

-I'm head of Mordor inc. yeas. Who are you and what do you want here? Sam said

-Well… we are from SS (Striders Service).

-Oh, I see. Sam's tone changed. I guess you want some… _apples_?

-No. the SS man looked confused. We are here to buy Lembas.

-Don't say the name aloud! Sam shouted and looked around. Then he whispered conspiratorially:

-KGB has spies everywhere. Wait here I'll be right back with your _apples_.

Sam went in to the warehouse leaving the men outside. After ten minutes he came out again followed bye an Orc carrying a big parcel. When the Orc gave them the parcel Sam said confidently(?) to one of the SS men:

-These Orcs are very handy to have around. Not very smart though. 

The Orc mumbled something that sounder very much like "look who's talking".

Sam slowly turned around, looked at the Orc and said with a cold voice:

-What did you say?

-Nothing master Sam.

-_I_ thought we agreed that you should all call me Master. With a capital M.

-I'm sorry Master Sam. The Orc shuffled his feet. 

-Now of you go.

Sam turned to the SS who looked at him in amazement. 

-So my friends. I think it's time fro you to leave. You can use the railroad we have built for transports. 

The SS men walked to the nearest Railway Station and sat down on a bench. Waiting for the train. Which of course was about a quarter late according to the timetable. It's one of those things that just _are_.

Sam once again snapped his fingers and mounted the Nazgûl creature when it arrived.

-Take me to Merry, and make it quick! He ordered the Nazgûl. 

It flew to the top of Mount Doom and landed on the southwest side of the mountain. There, on a container, Merry stood; holding a whip in his hand, yelling at the Orcs who passed by to hurry up. 

Sam walked up to him and said:

-Hello Merry. How is it going with the emptying of Mount Doom?

-It's going just fine Sam. Merry replied smiling. Some of the Orcs can even carry two containers with lava at the same time!

-Excellent, excellent. Soon we'll be rid of this annoying mountain so we can start building our gigantic submarine factory. 

-Sam you wouldn't happen to know were Pippin is? He's supposed to be helping me out here.

-I don't know but I think I can guess.

-You do?

-Yes.

Sam waved good bye from the back of the Nazgûl creature, he was on his way to fetch Pip. The Nazgûl took the short way to Bara-dûr and dropped of Sam at the top of the tower. 

On the roof Pippin sat with his eyes fixed on Saurons old palantír. He didn't notice Sam coming towards him he didn't even notice Sam leaning over his shoulder. 

-So. You are watching naked Hobbits again? Sam asked softly.

Pippin jumped twelve feet of the ground and when he landed he moaned:

-That really hurt!

-Why aren't you helping Merry at Mount Doom?

-Oh shit! I completely forgot time!

-Yes watching Hobbits looking like that must be very… Distracting. Sam said ironically.

The he looked closer at the palantír and smirked. Ten minutes later he managed to shake his head, tearing his gaze of the palantír.

-I'm starting to see your point, but now you have to go and help Merry. Sam said.

Pippin sighed and got up.

-Let's go then. 

They both mounted a Nazgûl who was standing on the roof and flew away.

Ten minutes later a boy with foot length platinum hair and emerald eyes appeared on top of Bara-dûr.

A/N: Shelob: This is _the_ best thing I've ever written. I'm so proud. *Sits on a personal pink cloud in heaven*

Natzlin: I better take it from here. Shelob is... Indisposed for the moment. *Hands out cookies to reviewers* **Elanhin**, well I _said_ the spelling mistakes would be her fault. Unfortunately she can't respond to that right now. Thanks for reviewing. 

**FreakOutAmbarondil**, well I hope you liked the Hobbits of Mordor Inc. Your song comes in the next chapter, thanks for reviewing and for coming with great ideas ^__^


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